monday already?? yikes the weekend flew right by me and i didn't even know it. well... the weekend although fast was good. i spent most of my time at home and at starbucks. i was productive and got a lot done, but not as much as i had hoped. oh well. life surely is going on. yesterday i went to a super bowl party and well not knowing people there all that well made it a bit awkward, but i'm glad i did something with people this weekend...working on being more social. scary scary. church was way good yesterday both in the morning and then celebration was quite small because people were obviously preoccupied by the "big" game that they did not show up... hey it's all good we did it unplugged and i liked the small group feel. so weekend = good.
other than that i am doing alright i guess. i am still struggling with what exactly being a christian means and how am i supposed to live my life. yeah people say do what is glorifying to God...and blah blah blah.... but really that is not enough for me. i can't be told to live my life that way....i need more guidance. i am one of those students who needs lots of guidelines for writing papers or doing projects. my life is surely much harder than those tasks. argh. i am not going to start being rebellious because that's not me...but what am i doing that i need to stop doing?? i have a few i can think of... not be so dependent on people, not to be so unforgiving, not to be jealous of my friends, not to withdraw when i am feeling left out, not to base my worth on what my friends think of me...etc etc. there's a lot. but other than that...what do i need to be doing that i'm not doing now?? man God has been so gracious to me...i surely do not deserve this grace and to Him i don't think that's the point...i think He fully acknowledges that i did nothing to earn this grace and there wasn't any chance that i could be in relationship with Him were it not for His son....so i think that part is clear....he doesn't care that i can't be perfect...but what does he want me to do?? i'm stuck. i am nothing like paul was man not even close, but that probably doesn't matter either...but do my actions glorify HIM?? i don't know. i am wrestling with this stuff and i am okay with that. i don't want to have things so figured out that i become arrogant about it or even confident in myself. i want to be confident in Christ that what i do will be good enough because His blood covers me. i am bombarded with vivid pictures from the play i saw in jr.high "heavens gates, hells flames" of God saying well done my good and faithful and fearing that i haven't been that good and faithful. i don't know. confused?? you betcha. i never really have wrestled with my faith until now and i have no desire whatsoever to abandon my faith, but i think that in order for me to move beyond complacency i need to have this struggle. up until now i was your run of the mill cookie cutter christian and i believed it just because i always had... i still believe, but now i'm searching for not why i believe but for what it means to believe. yeah? yeah. okay i'm done rambling. more to come i can promise you that.