for those of you who missed out yesterday was valentines day. to get things straight i still do not enjoy the holiday. i love people...a lot of them...but i spent the day alone in most ways, but not really alone. no one was home all night....my family was far away...some of my friends were very far away...i was not alone though. i spent the day with Christ. not in the way that i probably should have, but He was by my side hurting with me as i hurt and crying the tears i cried. it's good to know that regardless of how i alone i feel i will never be alone really. i enjoy journaling a lot yet i don't do it enough. last night as i laid in bed crying tears of lonliness i wrote out my heart to the one who loves me most. not going to say that i felt completely better, but it was a good feeling to get it out and know that it mattered if to one else...it did matter to God. i like san luis obispo...but i continue to struggle on a daily basis with lonliness. i truly feel like a burden to people around me because i have very few friends and even fewer close friends. i am afraid to open up because i fear rejection, i fear being hurt, i fear being a burden. i dont want my problems to burden others....i don't know if people care about them, i don't know if people care what is on my heart, i can't say that i feel incredibly welcomed with anyone so i stay quiet. i keep to myself. i want to know people i crave fellowship, but i don't want to assume that people feel the same. i miss having christian brothers who want to hang out...i miss that a lot....but i guess it won't just appear. how does it happen?? well at this point i am confused. i am going to wrestle with these issues. i worship a God who is amazing who breaks for me and who fights for me....He is not going to leave me to wander this earth alone. if we ask in accordance to His will....we will receive. hmmm.
Jesus build me up in you...cause me to find my confidence, strength, and joy in You alone. do not let me become satisfied with things that are not of You and with anything but You. Christ you reign and i know that you are completing a work You have began in me. i want to be whole, i want to be joyful, i want to know Your amazing love. i am broken...Jesus please heal me.
2 comments:
hey sounds like we feel the same way most of the time. Everytime i come to grips with being loney, i have not and there is still a tugging on my soul. feel free to call any time. you are not nor ever will be a burden to me. if people think your a burden its there own deal, let them have it, its better off with them. Still there is something comforting about the uncomfort of being alone. maybe not, just a thought.
kato! your words express so well how so many people feel. God's love should be sufficient, but everyone struggles with not feeling satisfied by it... that's what i'm struggling with now. He is sooo faithful, though, and He can certainly handle our doubts and frustrations. Lam 3 has been a great comfort to me. i, along with plenty of other people, care about how you are doing. much love friend!
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