When I get discouraged I like to stop and write....well it seems that I enjoy dwelling on my frustrations, but infact I don't....I do like to process and give things to God. I am surely too weak to take care of my hurts on my own. Finals tends to be a tough time for me. Not enough going on to keep me occupied, but too much going on so I don't ever feel rested. My finals are not especially hard, but I am having a difficult time finding any motivation to study or prepare for the finals I do have. I want to crawl in bed and sleep. My body is exhausted and I am worn out. I want to sit and stare at the sky rather than think about tests coming up. I want to spend time with friends and not have the finals hanging over my head. I have a lot of wants right now. I am realizing more and more how selfish I am. I had always written it off as low self esteem and being discouraged by life, but I want a lot. God is teaching me that it's not about me. It's all about Him. I let things get me down when really I ought to be encouraged that the Lord loves me unconditionally. I am so richly blessed, but all I see is the discouragement. I feel defeated. I am complete in God. He is my Joy and my Satisfaction. Those cannot come from anything else. Getting good grades won't do it nor will spending time with people. I need Jesus. Some friends of mine from church are headed to Israel tomorrow....they are going to love on people and spread the love of Christ. I'm having a hard time doing that here where it is welcomed.... feeling kinda lame. I am free to be a Christian here. I won't be arrested or killed for claiming my faith...yet my mouth stays shut. I keep Jesus to myself. Selfish. God show me how to be open and love on people. Break down the walls. Remind me of Your Joy! Fill me back up till I am overflowing. I am thinking about going home next weekend and to be honest I'm not so excited. Going home often means returning to complacency. I don't want to be complacent. I want to be bold and thriving in the Word. I tend to lack Joy when I go home. It's as if I forget how to love when I go back to Fresno. I'm going to be there for a long time so Jesus please hold me. I need accountability. I need someone to step in and tell me I'm straying. I am worried about falling into depression when I go home. I tend to. Fresno brings back hurt. God heal me. Show me how to forgive. Make me more like You! Christmas should be a joyous time, but this year I am having a hard time seeking that Joy and letting God fill me up. I want to be stubborn and return to bondage, but really it's not worth it. I am learning...albeit slowly...but I am growing and learning a lot these days. God teach me patience and how to want only You! I complain a lot, but Lord hear my prayers and answer them according to Your will.