i am complicated. i am complex. there's so much more to me than meets the eye. i long to be understood. someone already understands me far more and far deeper than i will ever begin to understand myself let alonge anyone else. our God and Father knows my heart. He knows where i have been and what i come from. He knows how i have been healed and lifted up from death. He understands that my mind functions differently than a lot of others. He knows my struggles with worth and inadequacy. as much as i want others to understand me....i have yet to find joy in knowing that He knows my innermost being. it is incredible really. i need to take my time and rest in the knowledge and peace that God is working things out in His timing not in mine. i want things quickly and fast, but i need to be patient. i have not stayed in one place for longer than 9 months since i left home for whitworth my freshman year. i don't fully understand patience....i pick up and leave too quickly. this has become my auto response when things get tough.... i run away. i am not going to run this time. i am scared to death of what lay ahead and i am terrified of where God is leading me.... but i am going to stay put. i am going to be obedient to His call and eventually i will find utmost joy because He has promised it to me and longs for me to find it in Him. life is difficult for me right now because i am on the edge and it is about the time that i would start to pull away and head out in a full sprint towards something else...not this time....i will stay by His side and be faithful regardless of how painful it is. i am called to be consistent....and this time i am going to obey.