somedays i just find particularly tough. ya know those days? i do. i was thinking about it and yes loneliness is something i seem to fight on a daily basis. am i choosing it? probably.... can i choose joy? yup. do i? not regularly. i cling to my comfort of loneliness eventhough it's horribly uncomfortable. i had a good time at home. i tend to be antisocial with the rest of the world when i go home because i really like my family. they are good company. so that's that. i was driving home from starbucks which i have invested far too much money in, and i realized that there are two places that i am "worry free" my home and calvin crest. i am fine with where i am at when i'm in either place. i don't think about what i need to do or worry about what's going to happen. coming back to a place which is not like that is difficult for me. i don't want to be here... but i'm here. thank you jesus for meeting my every need and for being the only one true thing that i can lean on and put my all in. everything else will and has failed me. crazy. it's thanksgiving time and today first sunday of advent... man Jesus birth. that's cool. what am i thankful for....

- salvation. christ came into the world to die for me so i could spend eternity with him.
- freedom to be a christian.
- love from friends and families that i don't always reciprocate
- my parents who have sacrificed a lot for my brother and i and who have loved on me despite my decisions.
- my brother who motivates me to live my life more fully for God
- friends who want to ask the hard questions even when i don't want to answer
- good tea
- mountains

i'm tired. i'm worn out. i want my mommy.
have a good night....i'm going to try.